Why can't you love me like I do?

I'm laying here wondering where have I gone wrong, the first time I'm finally trying to be faithful to a man, he makes it damn near impossible. this shit is driving me crazy, my pussy feels like its trembling, just itching to finally be able to release, i could feel the moisture building up inside me. its like a fire growing just waiting to be unleashed. i don't know how much more of this i could take, it feels like he's pushing me away like he could care less if i did or if i didn't fuck around! man i just wanna go take a cold shower i can't take it, I'm gonna have to use my toy to relieve this frustration that I'm feeling for the meantime until I'm able to find someone who can give me the real thing. i can't believe at the prime in my life at my climax my sex life is non existent, and the most fucked up thing about it is that i had the opportunity to be intimate with this woman that I've known for years i long for her but something in me is stopping me. I'm in love with this man and i don't want to mess anything up and have him use that as a reason to leave me, even though at times i feel like maybe he's behaving like this towards me just so i do leave him, i just want to know that i gave it my all. should this ever fail i don't think i could put myself in this situation again, I'm to vulnerable, my heart although in pieces love him as though it was whole. my heart hurts, tears fill my eyes as i lay here alone, sinking in my thoughts. dear god i wish i knew what my next move should be. i need guidance, I'm falling in despair. bottom line i wanna be loved and adored, I'm tired of people taking me for granted and disrespecting me, when everything i do i do it out of love. I'm starving for intimacy i need it!!